It's a Crazy Life
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My holiday-themed story for this year. Apologies for it being late, but I was on vacation for Christmas! After a meeting with Lex Luthor, the Joker begins to question whether he's lost his touch as a supervillain, and receives a visit from a guardian Bat-angel to reveal his life is pretty wonderfully crazy after all.
1. Chapter 1

**It's a Crazy Life**

"C'mon, princess, I know you can do this," said the Joker, holding out his arms to his daughter Arleen, who stood perched upon a table, looking down at the ground below her in terror.

She shook her head vehemently. "I can't, Daddy!" she protested.

"Sure you can," he repeated. "You just gotta believe in yourself, the same way I do. I know you can do this, princess. Just take a deep breath, shut your eyes, and jump, and Daddy will be right here to catch you, I promise. Trust me, sweetheart."

She nodded, squeezing her eyes shut. She breathed in heavily, and then gave a little shriek and jumped off the table into her father's arms. "Way to go, princess!" cheered Joker, as she slowly opened her eyes and realized she was safe, cuddling into her father's embrace. "We'll get you over this fear of heights yet!"

"Kinda an unfortunate phobia to have in a big city like Gotham," commented Arleen's twin brother J.J. "Everything goes up."

"That's why we're doing this training, J.J. – so she can try jumping off higher and higher stuff until she realizes there's nothing to be afraid of," explained Joker. "And then she'll be able to jump off any building in this town she likes, just like her old man. The Bat will always be there to catch you, kiddies, but try to avoid him until you're old enough to take him on. Daddy will teach you."

"You think that's why Leenie's afraid of heights?" asked J.J. "She equates high buildings with Batman, so any reminder of heights makes her subconsciously face her fears?"

"I dunno, kid – you have to ask your Mom about that psychological mumbo jumbo," retorted Joker. "She used to be a shrink, y'know."

"Just got a call – they're on their way, puddin'," said Harley Quinn, entering the room. "I still wish Lex had told you why he came all the way to Gotham to see you and Johnny, especially at Christmas. It's not like we don't have enough to do around the holidays."

"Well, it's not like Lex has any respect for other people," retorted Joker.

"Neither do you," reminded Harley.

"Yeah, but I also ain't a politician," agreed Joker. "Their respect for humanity is lower than my own, and that's saying something."

"Didn't Mr. Luthor used to be president?" asked J.J.

"Yep," said Joker, nodding. "And have you ever heard of a president who had respect for other people? If they're not starting wars, they're eavesdropping, or cutting down cherry trees, or dying thirty days after they're elected, or freeing all the slaves. None of which shows any respect for people or their way of life. Like Bats. God, he'd be a paranoid president. Make Nixon look relatively sane."

"As far as I know, he ain't running," said Harley. "Anyway, nobody would ever vote for a guy in a mask."

"They would if he was a celebrity," retorted Joker. "And Bats is definitely that. Never underestimate the stupidity of people's actions when they encounter a celebrity. Remember how that last lot of hostages acted around me? They were utterly speechless."

"That's because you said if they said a word, you'd cut 'em into tiny pieces and send them back to their families for Christmas wrapped in a box and bow," said Harley.

"And I would have too," agreed Joker, nodding and kissing Arleen. "What can I say? I'm a sentimental guy, and I like reuniting loving families during the holiday season."

"How's the phobia training coming along?" asked Harley.

"Fine – she's getting there," said Joker. "Aren't you, princess?"

"It's scary jumping off something so high," said Arleen.

"I know it seems that way, princess," said Joker, nodding. "But trust me, that fear is all in your mind. Nobody and nothing is gonna hurt you as long as Daddy's around."

"Mommy, is Leenie afraid of jumping off things because she associates that with Batman, and our past bad experiences with him, which has instilled a sense of irrational terror into her?" asked J.J.

"Maybe, J.J.," agreed Harley. "But you should ask your Uncle Jonathan when he gets here – fear's his thing."

A knock came on the door. "Speak of the devil!" chuckled Joker, as he headed over to open the door, to reveal Jonathan Crane, his wife Emilia, their young daughter Katrina, and their newborn baby Annabel in Emilia's arms.

"Sorry we're late," apologized Emilia. "But Jonathan's thrown his back out, and the stairs were rather difficult."

"Oh yeah? How did that happen?" asked Joker.

"Slept on it funny," said Crane, hastily, just as Emilia said, "Exercise."

They both shared a look. "Or rather, exercise…" began Crane, just as Emilia said, "Yes, he slept on it funny."

Joker looked from one to the other, and grinned. "All right, what's the real reason?" he asked. "It's something really embarrassing, isn't it? Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"No, thank you," snapped Crane, shoving past him and wincing. "Can we just get going, please? I want this business with Luthor done and out of the way so I can focus on Christmas with my family."

"You and me both," agreed Joker. "He's like a grinch, sucking all the holiday cheer out of the room. I'm gonna call him Lexy Grinch. Sounds a bit like sexy grinch, which sounds like an ill-advised Halloween costume…"

"It's not enough that I have to spend time with you without listening to your relentless babbling," sighed Crane. "Can we please just go and get this over with?"

"Well, somebody's not in tune with the spirit of the season!" chuckled Joker. "It's about charity and goodwill toward men and…"

"And it's the reason I prefer Halloween," agreed Crane.

"Uncle Jonathan, my sister has developed a fear of heights," said J.J. "Do you think this is subconsciously related to her fear of Batman?"

"My dear boy, ordinarily I would like nothing better than to discuss the causes and effects of fear, but I have to endure a tedious business meeting with a former politician, and my back is in pain," snapped Crane. "Now is really not the best time."

J.J. sighed. "Fine – I'll go read about subconscious fears and figure it out for myself," he muttered.

"That's a good life lesson for you, kid – you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself," said Joker, nodding. "No good depending on these useless space wasters for information. They won't even tell me how Johnny threw his back out, and I'm sure it's a great punchline…"

"We're going now," interrupted Crane. "Goodbye, my angels," he said, kissing his wife and daughters.

"Don't be gone too long," said Harley, kissing Joker. "We got the Christmas party later, and I don't wanna do all the hosting myself."

"Don't worry, toots – tormenting our guests will be just the thing to cheer me up after a boring meeting with Lexy," said Joker. "Can't wait to prank everyone good! Now Leenie, while I'm away, you think brave thoughts," he said, picking up his daughter and kissing her. "And when I get back, we'll try that jumping again."

"Ok, Daddy," said Arleen, nodding. "I wanna be brave for you."

"Kid, you're already brave," said Joker. "You're the most fearless gal I know."

"Technically, total lack of fear would imply an evolutionary defect, since fear is an asset meant to enhance the continuation of the species by bestowing upon us a modicum of caution," spoke up Crane.

"All right, Professor, thanks for that," sighed Joker. "Let's get outta here, huh?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Please wait here – Mr. Luthor will be with you shortly," said Mercy Graves, as she ushered the Joker and Crane into a room in Luthor's hotel suite.

"So c'mon, tell me, what's the real reason your back was thrown out?" asked Joker, eagerly.

"I'm not telling you, no matter how much you badger me," snapped Crane.

"All right, I'll make up a story I'll spread around the party guests later, and you can bet it'll be more embarrassing than the actual thing," said Joker, shrugging.

"I doubt it could be," retorted Crane.

"Boy, that bad, huh?" asked Joker, whistling. "Does it involve a whoopie cushion?"

"What? No!" snapped Crane.

"A shower?" guessed Joker.

"I'm really not going to discuss it," said Crane.

"Well, you're no fun," retorted Joker.

"We're not here for fun," snapped Crane.

"No, you're not," said Lex Luthor, entering the room at that moment. "You're here for business."

"Don't you know it's a holiday, Lexy?" demanded Joker. "I ain't legally obligated to do any work until after New Years!"

"There are no holidays in the supercriminal business," snapped Luthor. "A real supercriminal would know that."

"Wow, you'd think a guy who was president would've learned about negotiation and diplomacy, and would know that insulting people ain't a great way to get people to help you out," commented Joker.

"On the contrary, I've found that the direct approach is usually best," said Luthor, taking a seat in front of them. "And that I'm too important for small talk, so I'll get straight to the point. I have a plan for this city, a plan that I want the two of you to help me with. A plan that will really ruin Batman's Christmas."

"Now that's not really in the spirit of the season, is it, Lexy?" asked Joker. "Whatever happened to charity and goodwill to all men?"

"It's not goodwill to all _Bat_ men, is it?" asked Luthor.

"Focusing on a technicality – just like a politician," sighed Joker. "Either that or a lawyer…"

"Just what is this plan?" asked Crane. "And why do you need both of us?"

"And why don't you cause trouble in your own city instead of crashing ours?" demanded Joker. "Go spoil your own bullying vigilante's Christmas instead!"

Luthor sighed. "As members of the Injustice League, you both have a duty to respond to a fellow member's request for assistance."

"So we've responded, but that don't mean we're gonna help you," retorted Joker.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't want to upset Batman's Christmas," said Luthor. "Surely that's basically your job?"

"My job is to work hard and play hard," retorted Joker. "Both of which I do when I'm not on vacation. But as I'm on vacation now, my job is not to worry about my job until the new year. It's un-American to expect a guy to work over Christmas, Lexy. You of all people should know that."

"I know all about un-American activities – I chaired a committee on those," said Luthor. "And this isn't work – it's fun. I want you two to hold the city hostage – threaten them with a gas attack on both fronts, one fear-based and one laughing-based. Then I can come in and negotiate with you and save Gotham from the biggest potential disaster in its disaster-filled history. I will be the hero of this city, not Batman, which will eat him up inside, and help me gain good publicity here in the bargain."

"What do you want good publicity for?" asked Joker. "You've already been president, and last I checked, you couldn't run for more than two terms."

"For now," agreed Luthor. "But it never hurts to stay favorable in the eyes of the public. Never know when they might be useful tools, against some superheroic freak, say."

"Geez, Lexy, do you ever think that maybe your obsession with Superman is getting outta hand and ruining your life?" asked Joker. "A man should have other things to care about than just his nemesis, you know."

"Such words from you," sneered Luthor.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.

Luthor shrugged. "Well, let's face it, J. Ever since you knocked up Harley and had those kids of yours, you've lost your touch as a supervillain. The Joker used to be one of the most feared and respected bad guys around, and you can't expect to keep that image when you're entertaining children and being a supportive father."

"There's no reason why a guy can't be a supervillain and a good dad," retorted Joker. "Just because Darth Vader couldn't manage it…"

"If you disrespect our life choices so much, why do you even want us to help you?" interrupted Crane.

"I would have thought you'd both appreciate the chance to be feared again," retorted Luthor. "That whole family man routine must get boring after awhile."

"No, not really," replied Crane. "At least not for me – I can't speak for Joker."

"My kids are not boring!" snapped Joker. "They're endlessly entertaining, just like their old man!"

"You know what, if you want to waste the rest of your life entertaining children, you be my guest," snapped Luthor. "You've finally become a birthday clown, Joker. You're no more scary than a birthday clown anyway anymore. My respect for you was never very much, but it used to be higher than that. And you used to be better than that. You've gone soft."

"I have not!" snapped Joker, leaping to his feet. "I'm just as feared as I ever was! Ask anyone!"

"I have," retorted Luthor. "Asked around the Injustice League anyway, and they all share my opinion."

"Well, who cares what those buncha losers think?" demanded Joker. "It's been years now and not a one of them has come anywhere close to defeating their nemeses or doing anything remotely productive with their lives. They should probably start questioning _their_ lifestyle choices, frankly, wasting their time on useless scheme after useless scheme, just like you, Lexy."

"I became president of the United States!" shouted Luthor.

"So?" demanded Joker. "You think that's the only measure of a man? You think the adoration of the masses is worth more than my kids faces when they look at me? God, you really must be crazy, Lexy."

"I'm not the crazy one here," retorted Luthor. "And that's all you are anymore, Joker. Just some crazy, pathetic, old, worn out, sad birthday clown who's lost his edge."

Joker forced a smile. "Reverse psychology don't work on me, Lex – Harley taught me all about that a long time ago. You won't trick me into helping you out by insulting me."

"Nor me," agreed Crane, standing up slowly and wincing. "I can't possibly leave my family over the holidays, and anyway, I'm in no fit state to commit a crime. You'll just have to find someone else to help you, Luthor, or else pick a different time and place for this."

Luthor glared from one to the other of them. "Fine," he said, lightly. "I'll modify my plans so as not to include the two of you. Have a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year," he said, sarcastically.

"Yeah, hope you get crushed by a Christmas tree, jerk," snapped Joker, heading for the door. "Or else someone shoots a firework up your…"

Crane shut the door before he could finish. They headed back to the Joker's car in silence. "Are you all right?" asked Crane, noticing Joker's scowl.

"Fine," snapped Joker. "Why wouldn't I be fine? I ain't stupid enough to care about what that moron thinks, or to pay any attention to the words of an idiot. Especially an idiot politician."

Crane shrugged, staring out the window as Joker drove. "You don't think I've lost my edge, do you, Johnny?" asked Joker at last.

"What? No," said Crane. "No, you're as crazy and dangerous as ever. I think having your family has changed you, just as mine has changed me, but we're both still feared supervillains in our own right."

"Well, you were never feared," said Joker. "But you're right – the old Joker name still conjures up terror in the hearts and minds of the people of Gotham. Otherwise why would Batsy keep fighting me?"

He frowned. "Course it has been several weeks since we last fought, but I've been busy, with the kids, y'know…"

"I know," agreed Crane, nodding. "Family can be very preoccupying. In the most wonderful way, of course."

Joker was silent again. "Do you miss not getting out there as much?" he asked.

"No," retorted Crane. "Do you?"

"No," agreed Joker. "Of course not. Don't be silly."

He continued to frown as he pulled the car into the driveway of his hideout. Crane climbed out, but Joker stayed in. "Look, tell Harley and the kids that I just needed a walk," he said. "Just got some things to think about, and need to clear my head. I'll be back before the party gets started."

"All right," said Crane. "Where will you go?"

"Dunno," said Joker. "Just gonna drive around and see where I end up."

Crane nodded and shut the car door. Joker watched him go, and then backed the car out of the driveway, heading back out into the streets of Gotham.


	3. Chapter 3

Joker drove aimlessly, and arrived at last, for some reason, at the Gotham Bridge. He parked his car and headed out to stand on the bridge, gazing down into the water. A light snow had just begun to fall as he looked down at the waves lapping softly against the metal structure. Here on the edges of the city, the traffic was muffled, and the whole scene was one of peace and tranquility.

But the Joker didn't feel peaceful or tranquil. He always had a lot going on in his mind, but most of it was usually happy, taking great delight in the amusing, often violent punchlines of the jokes he played on unsuspecting citizens and Batman. But right now he was filled with emotions which were almost alien to him – anxiety, and most unusual of all, a kind of nagging self-doubt, a hint of dissatisfaction with his life, although he honestly couldn't be sure if that was it exactly. The Joker had never felt such things before, and for all he knew, these completely alien emotions could be almost anything. But they had started after the meeting with Lex, so he was pretty sure something he had said had been the cause of them. The Joker wasn't normally the type to care what anyone thought about him, especially not that laughing stock Luthor. But he also knew that other people's words didn't have any power unless some part of you believes them. Somewhere in whatever passed for his heart, Lex's words had hit home.

Nobody, not even Harley, had as high an opinion of the Joker as the Joker had of himself. He had always known himself to be the best, brightest, and funniest guy who ever drew breath, a criminal and comic genius. And his life had been nothing but one hilarious joke after another, an endless routine of gut-busting (sometimes literally) gags. He had never planned his life, and he had never expected it to be anything else than him fighting his nemesis night after night in a never-ending series of punchlines and punch-ups. And then Harley had come along, but even that hadn't changed things much, at least in Joker's mind. He had still fought Batman, only there was someone else competing for his attention now, someone very persistent and frequently annoying. But he supposed he had gotten used to the annoyance of Harley hanging about his neck, and had even begun to find moments of enjoyment and entertainment out of her companionship. But he had never seen his life or himself as being hugely altered by her.

Until the kids had come along. Joker supposed he _was_ a changed man – he could never have seen himself as a good or loving father before he became one. But that had just seemed natural from the moment he first held them. Maybe that was love or something – the Joker had never really understood that word, and never really thought himself capable of it. Maybe love was getting used to that weight around your neck. Maybe love was even needing it, and letting it bend you into a slightly different shape than the one you were before. But nothing had fundamentally changed about him, just because he had a family he cared for now. He was still the Clown Prince of Crime, the greatest supervillain Gotham City had ever known, and Batman's number one nemesis. Wasn't he?

There was that nagging self-doubt again, and Joker frowned. This must be what normal people went through, questioning themselves and their decisions all the time. Joker wondered why more of them weren't grateful when he killed them.

He climbed out onto the railing of the bridge, enjoying the recklessness of it, the devil-may-care attitude he always carried with him. He could fall at any time, and he loved the danger and uncertainty of that. What was life without a little risk, after all? The Joker didn't worry about things, which was why this anxious feeling was so unusual for him. He knew that life was one big joke, and that people just had to see the funny side of it. Even death and tragedy could be funny from a certain point of view. And life was so chaotic and random that anybody could die at any time, so what was the point of worrying about it? Joker didn't worry about anything.

Except now, as he stared into the water, he did. He worried that if he died, right now, he would leave behind a fading, meaningless legacy. He worried that all his hard work to make his reputation as the funniest master criminal around would be forgotten – that people would remember him as a man who had gone soft in his old age and lost his touch. That sometimes happened to comedians as they got older – their routines became more bland and inoffensive. They got lazy and sold out and focused on other things, and lost their reputations. They lost their ability to be funny and random and spontaneous, which was the key to all good comedy, in Joker's view. And nobody remembered them after they were gone for the comedy greats they were – they remembered them as sad, pathetic old men.

And suddenly Joker realized what he felt along with the anxiety and self-doubt. He felt afraid. Fear had never been something the Joker was even remotely familiar with, unless it was evoking fear in other people, which he was very good at doing. Or at least, he had been. He was afraid of losing that reputation, of losing that identity, of losing his legendary status. The Clown Prince of Crime was afraid of being dethroned. And not dethroned by any rival criminal – many had tried and none had succeeded. No, Joker was afraid of being dethroned voluntarily, of the thought that he would one day abdicate, and destroy his reputation by his own actions. That one day he wouldn't want to be the Clown Prince of Crime anymore, that he might not even want to fight Batman anymore. That he would be content with a home and a family, like any regular guy could be. And that would never be something that could content the Joker.

He remembered vaguely a long time ago, back when he had first started having the first stirrings of feelings for Harley. He remembered being slightly afraid then too, afraid of caring about her and loving her, because he knew love could make people do crazy things. And not the good kinda crazy. He was afraid that if he loved her too much, if he started to need her, then he would lose a part of himself, since the Joker didn't love or need anybody. And now he felt he had lost another part of himself because of the kids. He couldn't even question his love for them. But could the Joker really be the Joker if he loved his children? Could the Joker really be the Joker if he loved anyone?

The wind stirred the cables overhead on the bridge, startling Joker from his thoughts. He looked up, letting the snow settle on his clothes, and then looked back down into the water again. With a small smile, he let go of the railing and plunged down. The water came up to meet him and he shut his eyes, still smiling. And just as expected, before he hit the water, he was caught.

He opened his eyes and beamed. "I knew you'd always be there to catch me!" he exclaimed, hugging Batman tightly. "Told the kiddies that too…"

"What on earth are you doing?" demanded Batman, who had one arm around him and another on the Batclaw, which reeled them back up toward the bridge. "What kinda joke is there in a suicide attempt?"

"I dunno, but it's something a lot of people seem to find funny at this time of year," replied Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, it wasn't a real suicide attempt – I knew you were there, and I knew you'd save me, you big softie, you! You can't stand to see me hurt unless you're the one hurting me."

"I'm sure the feeling's mutual," growled Batman as they climbed back onto the bridge. "Now tell me what the scheme is."

"No scheme, Bats," said Joker, dusting the snow off his jacket, and then reaching to do the same for Batman's cape, before he was batted away. "I was just doing some soul-searching here on the bridge."

"You don't have a soul," snapped Batman.

"Maybe not," agreed Joker. "It's just an expression."

Batman studied him. "You're seriously expecting me to believe that you're just out here minding your own business?"

"Yes," retorted Joker. "You have such a suspicious, paranoid mind, Batsy!" he giggled.

"I know you too well," retorted Batman.

"Probably better than I know myself," agreed Joker. He snapped his fingers. "Say, that's it! Maybe you can help me!"

"Help you?" repeated Batman. "Why would I do that? Short of returning you to Arkham, of course, which I'm going to do before you can cause any trouble over Christmas…"

"Look, just hear me out," said Joker, holding up his hands as Batman approached him with the Batcuffs. "Then I promise I'll come with you quietly. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"I don't trust you," said Batman, bluntly.

"There, y'see? You do know me!" said Joker, beaming. "The fact of the matter is, Batsy, I've just come from a meeting with Lexy…"

"Luthor's in town?" demanded Batman. "Why? What's he up to?"

"I'll tell you," said Joker, smiling. "If you help me out."

Batman slowly lowered the Batcuffs resignedly. "How?" he muttered.

"I just need a teeny-weeney, itsy-bitsy favor," said Joker. "I need you to remind me of the worst things I've ever done."

"That could take a while," retorted Batman. "Why?"

"Let's just say I'm having a change of heart, so to speak," said Joker. "Something, let's call it my conscience, is bothering me, and I need to be confronted with the deeds of my past and reconcile myself with them if I have any hope of moving on in the future."

Batman stared at him. "What are you saying?" he asked at last.

"I'm saying I need to be confronted with the worst of my sins," said Joker. "My most heinous crimes, and who knows those better than you?"

"I don't want to remember those, especially not at Christmas…" began Batman.

"It's the only way to help me," said Joker. "Don't you understand what I'm saying, Bats? I'm a changed man."

"This is your Christmas joke, isn't it?" asked Batman.

"Maybe," said Joker, grinning. "Or maybe it's my New Year's resolution. Can you take the chance that I might be serious for once, Bats?"

Batman nodded slowly. "I guess we'll be going for a drive, then," he muttered.

"We can take your car," said Joker, heading for the Batmobile. "It has those ejector seats if I can't keep my resolution and we end up fighting. Mine only has the one. Harley's been nagging me to put in a second, but I don't think it's worth the money. Anyway, she doesn't mind going back to Arkham…"


	4. Chapter 4

"Whaddya mean he's gone for a walk?" demanded Harley.

"Just what I said," replied Crane. "He said he had some things to think about and needed to clear his head."

"Mr. J don't ever have a clear head!" snapped Harley. "That's not like him at all, to just suddenly want to be alone! He always loves an audience! Something's really wrong – what happened at the meeting?"

"Nothing," replied Crane. "Luthor had some plot which he wanted us involved in, and we both refused him. He insulted our reputations and then we left."

"Well, that doesn't sound like anything that could have upset him," said Harley. "But he really needs to be here – I'm not hosting this party by myself!"

"Mommy, where's Daddy?" asked Arleen, entering the room.

"He's still out, honey – just go back to your Aunt Emilia," said Harley.

"But he told me he'd help me practice jumping," protested Arleen.

"And he told me he'd help with the party, the slimy rat," muttered Harley. "Guess we're both disappointed. I mean…" she said, noticing Arleen's tearful look. "I'm sure he'll be home soon, sweetie. Why don't you go play with the Crane babies instead?"

"They can't help me jump," said Arleen. "They can barely move around."

"My daughters have excellent motor skills for their age," snapped Crane. "Which is more than I can say for myself at the present time," he added, wincing again.

"How did you throw out your back?" asked Harley.

"I would prefer not to discuss it," retorted Crane. "It's a private matter."

"Oh. Emilia wanted things to be a little more acrobatic in the bedroom, huh?" asked Harley, as she followed her daughter back into the living room where Emilia, her children, and J.J. sat.

"It wasn't my idea to make things more acrobatic," said Emilia, lightly.

"No, it was mine," snapped Crane. "And I've learned my lesson about experimentation, believe me."

"I'm not against it in all respects," replied Emilia, grinning. "But I did tell you this particular experimentation was a bad idea. You need to realize that you're not as young as you used to be, and can't twist and contort your body into certain shapes or positions…"

"Yes, thank you, my dear," snapped Crane. "That's more than Harley needs to know, and there are children present."

"You should think up a code, like Mr. J and me," said Harley. "You know, like when we talk about dunking the clown or getting the whoopie cushion, except that's not really a code since we really do use a whoopie cushion…for hugging," she added, noticing her children staring at her curiously.

"Do grown-ups do a lot of hugging?" asked J.J., puzzled. "I haven't noticed."

"Not as often as you'd like if you're with Mr. J," muttered Harley. "He can store up his desire for hugs for months."

The doorbell rang suddenly. "That had better be Mr. J and not a party guest," said Harley, glancing at the clock. "They're early."

"Better than being late for a very important date," commented Jervis Tetch, as Harley opened the door to reveal him and his adopted daughter Alice. "Anyway, we thought there'd be more traffic with the snow."

"Oooh, snow!" exclaimed Arleen, rushing to the window with her brother following her. "Daddy shouldn't be out in that without us! He doesn't have anybody to have a snowball fight with!"

"Knowing your father, he'll find someone," sighed Harley. "C'mon in, Jervis. Merry Christmas to you and Alice. Have you been a good girl this year so you'll get lots of presents from Santa Claus?" she asked.

"I am always a good girl," retorted Alice. "As a proper young lady should be. And my Uncle Jervis will be giving me presents, not some fictitious character."

"…really? She doesn't believe in Santa Claus?" asked Harley, slowly.

"I respect my dear Alice's intelligence far too much to lie to her about such things," retorted Tetch. "She asked for the truth, so I told it to her. Anyway, it's never too early to be able to distinguish fiction from reality."

Harley stared at him. " _You're_ spouting that?" she asked. "Really?"

"What truth?" asked Arleen. "Why doesn't Alice believe in Santa Claus?"

"Because…they don't believe in him in England," invented Harley, quickly. "And Uncle Jervis being English would naturally have influenced her with his beliefs."

"So English children don't get presents at Christmas?" asked J.J. "Man, I'd riot."

"Yeah, but they're weird there," said Harley. "They drive on the wrong side of the road and everything."

"You must have had a really depressing childhood, Uncle Jervis," said J.J. "What's the point of Christmas without presents?"

"Oh, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, that sort of thing," said Tetch.

J.J. made a face. "That ain't better than presents."

"I can see you've been listening to your father again," said Tetch. "Speaking of which, where is he?"

"He's…uh…out," said Harley. "Here, lemme get you a drink…" she said, trying to change the subject.

The doorbell rang again. "That could be him now!" exclaimed Harley, beaming as she opened the door. Her face fell when she saw that it wasn't the Joker.

"Red, you're early," she said, opening the door to reveal Poison Ivy.

"But I can see I'm far from the first one here," commented Ivy, looking around. "Harvey and I were in the neighborhood and we thought you wouldn't mind…"

"Harvey?" said Harley, surprised to see Two-Face following Ivy inside. "Are you two back together again?"

"No," they both said, hastily. "No, no, just…two friends hanging out," said Ivy. "Doing…friend stuff."

"Hi, Aunt Ivy," said J.J., beaming at her. "I got you a present for Christmas."

He scurried off to his room and returned with a crayon drawing. "It's a flower for you," he said, handing her the paper.

"Why, J.J., that's so thoughtful," said Ivy, smiling at him. "Thank you so much, sweetie," she said, kissing his cheek.

J.J. giggled, blushing. "Aw, I think somebody's got a crush on you, Red," said Harley, ruffling her son's hair.

"I do not!" he snapped.

" _J.J. and Ivy sitting in a tree_ , _K-I-S-S-I-N-G_!" sang Arleen, laughing.

"Cut it out!" snapped J.J. "Aunt Ivy's with Uncle Two-Face, everybody knows that!"

"Except them," sighed Harley.

"Where's J?" asked Two-Face, looking around.

"Yes, where is the pathetic excuse for a man?" asked Ivy. "Don't tell me he's abandoned you at Christmas! I always knew he was no good, Harley, I did try to tell you…"

"He hasn't abandoned me!" snapped Harley. "He's just…out for a walk. In the snow. Helps him think about…y'know…supervillain things. Anyway, you're all early. Mr. J will be back in plenty of time for the party, you'll see," she said, heading into the kitchen to fetch drinks.

"Yeah, you'll see," she muttered, her smile falling. "Or he won't be smiling until this time next year. I'll see to it."


	5. Chapter 5

"Joker, we haven't seen your face around here for some time," commented Dr. Joan Leland as Batman and Joker strode into the reception of Arkham Asylum.

"Yeah, I ain't staying, Doc," chuckled Joker. "Just thought I'd drop by to wish you the compliments of the season! Sucks that you're here over Christmas…"

"Oh, I'm not," replied Dr. Leland. "Just leaving, actually. I'm off until the new year."

"How'd you swing that?" asked Joker.

"Twenty years of loyal service," retorted Dr. Leland. "Plus putting up with you people for that long earns some reward. How's Harley? And your kids?"

"Yeah, they're good," said Joker, nodding. "I'll be getting back to them shortly…"

"You'll be returned to a cell here shortly," interrupted Batman. "But we have some business to attend to first. Dr. Leland, do you have records of your employee fatalities here?"

"In the hall of records," replied Dr. Leland, pointing down a corridor. "Why?"

"Joker and I are just going to take a look at them," said Batman, dragging Joker away.

"Joan, you ready to go?" asked an attractive man, entering the foyer at that moment.

"Yep, just about, sweetie," said Dr. Leland, grabbing her purse. "Well, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you both," she said, turning to Batman and Joker.

"Wait, wait, wait – who's the stud?" asked Joker, dragging Batman to a halt.

"Oh…this is my boyfriend, Ray," said Dr. Leland. "Ray, this is the Joker and Batman. One of them has been my patient for a lotta years – I'll let you guess which one."

"Boyfriend, huh?" asked Joker, studying him. "Is it serious?"

"It is, actually," replied Dr. Leland, smiling at him.

"Yeah, not to spoil the surprise, but I'm hoping the new year will include a wedding," added Ray, beaming at Dr. Leland. "I've got a proposal planned for New Year's Eve."

"That's completely spoiled the surprise!" snapped Joker. "Jesus, don't you know how to be romantic?! Dames love spontaneity, not somebody blurting out surprises before they happen! Geez, I'm not sure you're good enough for the Doc here!"

"I'm flattered by your concern, Joker, but Ray makes me very happy," said Dr. Leland.

"Well, you lemme know if he doesn't," snapped Joker, glaring at him. "I've known the Doc a lotta years, sport, and I ain't gonna let her stay with some guy who don't treat her right."

"Um…ok," said Ray, slowly. "Uh…nice meeting you both."

"Well, it's good to see the Doc happy – she deserves it after all these trying years taking care of us," commented Joker as he watched them leave. "What about you, Bats? Got someone special to kiss under the mistletoe? Or over the champagne on New Year's Eve?"

Batman ignored the question, dragging him down the hall toward the record office. "I'll take your determined silence as a no," continued Joker. "That's a shame. What about you and Pussy? By which of course I mean Catwoman…"

"She's outta town," growled Batman.

"Ah, so that's why she's not coming to our party," said Joker, nodding. "Kinda thought it was because she'd be with you…"

"No, it isn't," snapped Batman.

"I can see I've touched a nerve," chuckled Joker. "How many more holiday seasons are you gonna spend alone and unloved before you get up the courage to tell her your true feelings?"

"Tonight's not about me – it's about you!" snapped Batman.

"Doesn't mean you couldn't use some friendly advice," replied Joker, shrugging. "You know I'm always here for you, Batsy, just like you are for me."

Batman gritted his teeth and threw open the door to a room containing row upon row of filing cabinets. Signs above the cabinets read "Accidents," "Injuries," and "Fatalities."

Batman went over to the last one, pulling open a draw to reveal hundreds of files. He picked one at random and opened it to a picture of the victim who had been murdered, rather unsurprisingly, by Joker.

"Head bashed in with a fire extinguisher while making a joke about the thick skulls of the guards," Batman read.

"Oh yeah, I remember that one!" chuckled Joker. "Good times!"

"Stabbed in the throat with a fork," continued Batman, reading another file. "And then making a pun about getting the point."

"That's a classic gag, Bats, c'mon," said Joker, nodding.

"Strangled by a curtain in the Rec Room after commenting on how the movie on TV choked you up," said Batman, picking up another file.

"Well, it did – really emotional stuff," agreed Joker.

"You want emotional stuff?" demanded Batman, throwing the file at him. "He left a wife and three young kids behind. That's what your jokes and gags do, Joker. They destroy not only the lives of the victims, but those of their family as well. You're a father now – imagine how your family would cope if you didn't come home one night."

"Well, I'd be impressed that anybody could get a jump on me, let's be honest," said Joker, shrugging. "And Harley probably would be too."

"No, she'd be hugely upset!" snapped Batman. "There's nothing funny about putting innocent people through that kinda agony! Believe me, I know! You want to see the measure of your sins? Just take a look at this wall of files. Each one is a crime that is self-contained, but whose effects have grown and spread agony to thousands and thousands of people. You've spread pain like a virus. Why don't you laugh about that?"

"Not my fault people don't have a sense of humor about these things," said Joker, shrugging again.

"You don't get it, do you?" demanded Batman. "This isn't a joke, Joker! What you've done isn't funny!"

"No, _you're_ the one who doesn't get it," retorted Joker. "Everything's a joke, Batsy. If you really want me to see the light and reform my ways and make good on my change of heart, you're going to have to do better than the files of a few Arkham guards. They're like shooting fish in a barrel, or those little targets you shoot at the carnival that just pop back up after you hit 'em. Guards are just as replaceable, y'know."

"They're people!" shouted Batman. "With lives and families! Real, living, breathing people!"

"Well, so am I," retorted Joker. "What about my need to hurt and maim others? You can't just tell me to repress it – that's like a form of torture! It's inhumane! What about our inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?"

"Those guards had those too!" shouted Batman.

"Well, not anymore," replied Joker, shrugging. "So why keep carping about it?"

Batman glared at him. "C'mon," he muttered, grabbing his arm again and heading for the door. "There's worse to come."


	6. Chapter 6

"Batman, Merry…what's he doing here?" demanded Commissioner Gordon as Batman dragged Joker through the doors of GCPD.

"He claims to be turning over a new leaf," growled Batman. "I'm not insane enough to believe him yet, but I thought taking him here would do him some good to make him realize the extent of his crimes and their effect upon people."

"He's a complete idiot if he doesn't understand that by now," declared Gordon, glaring at Joker. "He was always crazy, but never stupid."

"Hey, I'm right here!" snapped Joker.

"This has gotta be some joke of his," continued Gordon, ignoring him. "He probably gets some sick pleasure out of remembering his crimes and their effects on people."

"Why Commissioner, I'm hurt that you don't trust me," said Joker, innocently. "What have I ever done to you?"

Gordon just looked at him. "Oh, right, yeah, all that," agreed Joker, nodding. "Killing your wife, crippling your daughter…"

"Plus depriving me of innumerable fine police officers," said Gordon. "Brave men and women who sacrificed themselves for nothing more than your childish games."

"Well, what better way to die than by playing a game, am I right?" asked Joker. "At least you're having fun! There are worse ways to go! Anyway, you should thank me for killing Sarah – now you can upgrade to a hotter wife! Y'know, like when you get into a car crash but then you get an upgrade to a better model…"

Gordon's fist shot up so fast that Batman barely had time to intercept it. "Jim, no!" he shouted. "Don't let him bait you – that's what he wants!"

"How dare you compare Sarah to a car?!" roared Gordon. "That's my wife you're talking about, you bastard! My wife!"

"Late wife," corrected Joker, nodding. "And I know she was – otherwise I wouldn't have killed her…"

"Jim, no!" repeated Batman as Gordon lunged forward again.

"Get him outta here right now!" yelled Gordon. "Right now!"

"C'mon, Jimbo, can't we let bygones be bygones?" asked Joker. "Even if you can't see the bright side to your wife's murder, why don't you try seeing the bright side to your daughter's injury? Just think about it – you can park in all those handicapped spots at the store now! And it's deprived her of the ability to sneak out unobtrusively at night and meet boys – I imagine you can always hear the stair-lift going. Mind you, according to the gossip columns, for a girl with no working legs, she sure does get around, if you know what I'm saying…"

"You deserved that," said Batman, bluntly, a few minutes later, as they drove away from GCPD with Joker in possession of a new black eye.

"Like hell I did!" snapped Joker. "Just because Jimbo has no sense of humor, that's no reason to take it out on me! What's his problem, anyway?"

"His problem is you've seriously injured and killed mostly everyone close to him," retorted Batman. "Plus personally tortured him not a few times…"

"And I'm supposed to feel bad about that?" asked Joker.

"If you're really trying to turn over a new leaf, yes," said Batman. "Otherwise what's been the point of tonight?"

Joker was silent. "So Jimbo's always gonna hate me, huh?" he asked. "I've done things he'll never forgive, and caused pain that he'll never get over."

"Pretty much," agreed Batman.

"And I've done this to a lotta people, huh?" asked Joker, slowly.

Batman nodded. "Even to you?" asked Joker.

Batman said nothing. Then he turned the Batmobile sharply, heading down a side street. "Where are we going?" asked Joker.

"You'll see," retorted Batman.

He pulled the car to a stop in front of Gotham Cemetery. The snow was still coming down, thick and fast, as they walked through the iron gates until Batman led them to a grave by a willow tree.

"Who's this?" asked Joker.

"Look for yourself," retorted Batman, gesturing at the grave covered in snow.

Joker knelt down in the snow and brushed aside the dusting to reveal the name _Jason Todd_.

"I think about him every day," murmured Batman. "How it must have felt, to be beaten to death by you. What feelings he must have had in his last hours – pain, rage, betrayal...I failed him. And not a day goes by where some part of me doesn't remind me of that. If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive. But he's not. And that's a weight that will never be lifted from my mind or spirit. All thanks to you."

"Yeah?" asked Joker, staring at the grave. "All thanks to me?"

He bowed his head over the stone and shut his eyes. Batman almost thought he saw tears in them…

And then Joker started laughing. A wild, hysterical sound that grew in pitch and volume. "Aw, this is great!" he exclaimed, slapping the headstone. "The best Christmas gift anyone could ask for!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman.

"Don't you see, Batsy?" asked Joker, turning to face him, eyes gleaming and smile beaming. "Any worries I might have had about me losing my reputation are just a load of crap! I've done so many horrible things to so many people that there's no possible way I can ever be forgotten or forgiven! The damage I've done is irreparable, to you, to Jimbo, to pretty much everyone in Gotham! So Luthor can take his beliefs and shove 'em!"

"But I thought you said your conscience was bothering you…" began Batman.

"It was," interrupted Joker, nodding. "It was bothering me thinking maybe I hadn't caused enough harm and maybe I was losing my touch. But I can see now that's never gonna happen, and it's all thanks to you! I really am a criminal mastermind, and the best supervillain this town has ever seen, or ever will see! You've made me realize the true, permanent damage my actions have inflicted, and I couldn't be more grateful to you! I owe you one, pal! It doesn't matter what I do, even if I throw this all in and spend the rest of my life taking care of my family, which I won't, by the way, the Joker will always be your ultimate nemesis! You've made me see the light, and thanks to you, it's the best Christmas ever!" he exclaimed, embracing him.

"Well, now that your little joke is over, you're coming back to Arkham with me…" began Batman, reaching for the Batcuffs and slapping them onto his wrists.

"Oh yeah, ok, Bats," said Joker, nodding. "Psych!" he suddenly shouted, ripping his hands out of the cuffs to reveal he had been wearing two sets of gloves, one of which gave fake padding to his wrists and without which he could easily slip out. "Sorry to spoil your Christmas miracle and all, but I'll do you a good turn for the one you did for me. Luthor's staying at the penthouse in the hotel on Clancy Street. If you hurry, you might catch him meeting with whatever other suckers he called in at Christmas to do his dirty work for him. Personally, I'm hoping it's Nygma so you can beat him to a pulp too. And please make sure Lex never comes back to cause trouble in our city. He's Feliz Navidead to me. Get it? Feliz Navidead?"

"If you think for one moment I'm going to let you go…" began Batman, but he was cut off as Joker sprayed a cloud of toxin at him, blinding and choking him. Batman coughed, gasping for breath and reaching for an antidote on his belt, eyes streaming as the green gas began to take effect. It cleared at last and Batman breathed steadily, looking around for Joker.

But he had completely disappeared. There was no sign of him anywhere in the cemetery, but where he had been standing, Batman noticed a small slip of paper. He picked it up and read it.

 _Thanks for helping me find my smile again, buddy. I knew I could always count on you. Merry Christmas, and see you in the New Year for more fun and frolics!_

 _Your bestest friend,_

 _J._

 _P.S. Better keep a close eye on the new birdie boy! Got an itch to beat something hard with a crowbar._

Batman sighed heavily, looking up at the snow falling around him and settling on the graves. He wondered how many more graves would lie here thanks to Joker. All Batman could ever do was fight him.

But Joker actually wasn't the priority at the moment. "Better go get Luthor, I guess," he sighed, crumpling up the note.


	7. Chapter 7

"Daddy, there you are!" exclaimed Arleen as Joker threw open the door to his hideout, covered in snow and panting.

"What happened to your eye?" asked J.J.

"Oh, it's not important, kiddies," said Joker, hugging them. "Where's your mother?"

"In the living room, hosting the party," said Arleen, pointing. "We got bored though, and decided to wait out here for you."

"Oh yeah...party," said Joker, slowly. "Kinda forgot about that. Oh well, she'll forgive me," he said, confidently, as he strode into the living room.

"Honey, I'm home!" he called.

All eyes fixed on him as Harley turned slowly to face him, and the look in her own eyes was murderous. "You!" she hissed. "How dare you come crawling back here after you abandon me to host this party all by myself, huh?! You think I'm gonna be happy to see you?! You think I'm gonna welcome you back with open arms, you selfish jerk?! Where the hell have you been?! You've been gone for hours! And you're dripping water all over the floor, which I'm obviously gonna have to clean up, because I have to do everything around here like a goddamn slave! You had better be ready to grovel to me for months, because I ain't forgiving this, Mr. J! Not this time! You miserable, no good, slimy, dirty…"

Joker seized her in his arms, cutting off her rant with a kiss. "I missed you too, baby," he murmured, drawing away at last. "Merry Christmas."

"Aw, Merry Christmas, puddin'," cooed Harley, her rage instantly forgotten. "And what a great way to spend it, surrounded by our friends and family."

"Where have you been, Joker?" asked Crane. "You didn't have second thoughts on helping Luthor, did you?"

Joker chuckled. "Well, I sent him a Bat-shaped Christmas gift, if you get what I'm saying. But no, actually I've been hanging out with Bats."

"I should have known," sighed Harley.

"Hey, he gets lonely this time of year," said Joker, shrugging. "Thought I could cheer him up. Though actually it was vice versa this time. I was feeling the holiday blues…"

" _You_ were feeling blue?" said Ivy, astonished. "Harley, are you sure this is J, and not some kinda impostor? Wouldn't be the first time Clayface has pretended to be him."

"Nah, I'd know Mr. J's kiss anywhere," sighed Harley, beaming at him. "What were you blue about, puddin'?"

"Silly stuff," said Joker, shrugging. "And it don't matter anymore. I've been reminded of all the great stuff I've done and great deeds I've accomplished, and how can any man be depressed after that? Sometimes that's all you need, a little reminder, because sometimes you forget that it's a wonderful, crazy life! And I couldn't be happier about it," he said, picking up Arleen and kissing her.

"Well, now that everyone's here, Jonathan and I have a small announcement to make," said Emilia. "I'm pregnant."

Everyone stared at her. "What, again?" demanded Joker. "Johnny, ain't you ever heard of birth control?"

"Yes, I certainly have!" snapped Crane. "And lessons have been learned, believe me! But actually I'm not upset - it's a cause for some great joy, since we're going to have quite the little family now."

"Not that we don't already," agreed Emilia, kissing her daughters. "But another child is the best Christmas gift ever."

Joker snorted. "Whatever. I'd rather just get Harley some jewelry. We already got all the kiddies we need, don't we, precious?" he cooed, kissing Arleen's nose.

"Well, let's have some music to ring in the Christmas season," said Tetch, heading over to the piano in the corner. "Alice has been taking lessons, so she should be able to manage a few carols."

"Does anyone need their drinks refilled?" asked Harley, looking around. "Johnny, how about you? You need alcohol to numb the pain from twisting your back? None for you, Emilia, you're pregnant. Say, was the night you conceived your child the night that Johnny hurt his back having acrobatic sex?"

"No comment!" snapped Crane, as Joker giggled.

"And that's my Christmas present!" Joker laughed. "Oh, I'm never gonna let him live this down!"

Alice launched into a rendition of _Hark the Herald Angels Sing_ on the piano just as the the clock outside struck midnight. The bells tolled, and Arleen beamed. "Look, everyone!" she said, pointing. "Daddy says, every time a bell rings, a Joker breaks a Robin's wings!"

"That's right, Leenie," said Joker, smiling. "That's right. See you soon, Batsy," he said, gazing out into the snowy night sky. "See you real soon."

 **The End**


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